moving

Hi!! Just a quick note, I am moving the blog over to http://www.whynotfathers.com. At the top of the page is a link "Blog" click that, and you can follow everything from here. :) Cheers C.

Day 2 the evening. ~ frustrated

Well, everyone is home with our son and I. Five kids plus my wife and I. Our son seems to be content with pushing as many buttons as possible all evening long. Time-outs aren't working. Quiet time isn't working. He just wants to push push push. Every one is getting frustrated.

I wish that they hadn't been forced to take him off of the clozeril. Things are going to be much rougher than they were when he was in the residential facility. We did home visits and all of that before he was discharged and these behaviours weren't in evidence at that time.

Trying to cope. He isn't like this during the day time when it is just him and I.

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An hour later, we covered him completely with the blanket. Maybe too much input, as he is fine now. He has stopped pushing buttons and is relaxed.

I think that it is a matter of changing my parenting style. We shall see.

IEP 1 of 3

Well, we have one IEP done for this year. Things are going well for our middle son, despite the autism. He is developing friendships with his peers, flirts with the girls, had an issue with electricity and gotten detention twice.

He is high functioning in reading, comprehension, processing, and reasoning. He has issues with verbal communication. He reads at a level that they have a hard time measuring and comprehends at the same level. He is in the 7th grade. The teachers have issue with him just knowing the answer, they need him to write out how he comes to the answer, this is most prevalent in science and mathematics. In ag class, he can identify every tool, every seed, and can tell out of 10 or 15 different tools, which one is missing and what they are all used for. Considering we don't live on a farm this is quite a feat.

The teachers have issues with his personal hygiene. Mostly that he doesn't tie his shoes, and never tucks in his pockets. I explained that some things are just not on his radar of important things to worry about. He wears slip on shoes now, so shoe laces are no longer an issue, but even when he had shoe laces, he never tripped over his laces. The science teacher is concerned about when they get into human anatomy and reproduction, and how our son will react. I asked how any other 7th grade boy reacts. So we will wait and see. In time, they will need to do some dissection, hopefully our son will handle it well.

Moving forward we talked about him joining some brain athletic teams, and the golf team. Overall, things are looking very positive for our son. He has a memory and level of understanding of the topics that are presented to him that they are not able to always quantify.

Now we have two IEP's left. Our oldest boy and our youngest. Both of which promise to be a struggle with the school. Oh, and the detention happened because our son the linguist dropped the f-bomb three times when walking into a classroom.

Transition

I am transitioning to a new blog location called http://whynotfathers.com. check it out when you get a chance. everything that is here, is also there. :) thanks

Day 2 ~ Much better ~ or Butterflies and more.

Day two started out very well. No eruptions or complaints.

Got a call from the psych nurse regarding missing the blood draw yesterday. She was very grumpy. I understand that there is a protocol to follow with the blood work for his meds, but what can I do if the people who draw blood are not at work? Draw it myself? I tried to explain that we live in a town of less than 1700 people and don't have all of the resources of the big city.

So we went to lab this morning. Our son was sure a trooper about it. He pointed out the best spot to take blood from his arm, and then asked if they could use a butterfly needle. He watched the whole thing from start to finish and never complained once, even when the veined rolled and they didn't get blood with the first poke.

Now we are on lunch break, after lunch we will be doing some homework about Martin Luther King Jr. I am so very pleased with how he is doing. And if I have to scold him about something, he takes he scolding fairly well, or at least as well as any other typical 10 year old would take it.

Still working to get the school and all of the players in our drama about education back to the table so that he can be in public school.

Day 1 5am wakeup

Good morning friends. Our son is excited about something, he has been up since 5am. Doing his level-headed best to wake up the rest of the house. It is now 3 hours later and he is trying to push buttons as fast as he can. Just trying to remain firm, and keep my head about me. Although I am quite irritated. Hopefully we can figure out his stability med quickly.

As soon as the other kids leave for school we will start his school day. This afternoon we have to go into the city for a medical appointment, going to see if Grandpa can keep him while I go to that appointment.

More as the day progresses.

A new day

Starting tomorrow, we will be home-schooling our youngest until which time we can get the public school in our district to accept him and his disabilities.

Anyone know anybody associated with the ACLU? How about the NAACP?

The reason I ask, is because my son's civil rights have been violated. He is diagnosed with a number of very specific mental and emotional disorders, and he just happens to be African-American. Why is that an issue or should it be an issue? He is the only African-American in his school that I know of. While I can't say for certain that they are discriminating against him because of his race, I know that they are discriminating against him because of his disabilities.

Even after they accept him back in the district, either by legal mandate or their own volition, how can we guarantee that he will be given the opportunity to succeed or fail on his own merits. How do we guarantee that they won't sabotage him just to get him out of the building?

If you know of someone who could help our case, please leave a comment and let me know. I will be in touch.

18 years and a dozen roses.

18 years ago I met my bride. I can remember the day like it was yesterday. My daughter was there, but too young to remember. I remember going to her staff Christmas party that night, because her girlfriends asked me if I would take her. I was surprised at the number of cousins I had that were employed by the day care that she was working at. Here is to another 50 years, Love you, mry. I miss you, and can't wait till you come home on Monday.

I was a bit of a cad before I met my wife. she might say I am still sometimes. I went to this pool party hoping to "hook up" with this lady. She knew I had a thing for her, and told her girlfriends. They in turn offered to baby-sit my daughter so that I could go to the Christmas party with my wife. At the end of the night, I had to go to work, I was a route driver for the Tribune at the time. One of my stops was the young lady that I was hoping to "hook up with". I walked in the door and told her I had met my wife, and needed her phone number. In my defence, I had been too shy to ask for it. Three weeks or so later I proposed. in June 1994 we were married.

I wouldn't trade the last 18 years for anything in the world. Marriage is a full time job, and we have had to work at it. There have been some cynics who said we got married too quickly. There are those who thought I was getting married because I needed someone to care for my daughter. Through sickness and health, mostly sickness the last 10 years, she has stayed at my side.

I don't have any secrets or key ideas for a successful marriage. My mom was married more than four times, so I can't use family background as a measure. No regrets. I have a wife who loves me, I have a family, I have a home. I am the richest man I know. Wealth has nothing to do with it.

Tell your significant other or spouse that you love them. Tell them often. Show them by doing little things to surprise them. I like to think that argument can be healthy in small doses for a relationship. We have had some doozies. Through everything in the last 18 years, we have has our love for each other.

IEP's and Frustration

Had an IEP meeting for our youngest. He is scheduled to be released from the residential facility next Tuesday. At the meeting, the school gave us our options. 1. Public School - either in our community or a neighboring one. 2. another day treatment program that is 50 miles away from our home. We talked it over as a team and agreed to try for the school in another district. With second option being available as a back up if the first failed. Well, the other district isn't willing to take on our son. So, our district rather than trying to accommodate him, has decided to schedule a visit to the day treatment program. They are willing to pay his travel expenses to go there. Why does nobody want our child? In the last year, we have done everything that the school has asked us to do. We placed him in a residential treatment program in part on the recommendation of the school and the psych team. We have done the med wash, we have joined a state run program that provides mentoring for him. I had to give up my work. Our son has completed his program at the residential facility. His release from there has already been pushed back once at the request of the district because they felt it would be better for him to start at the beginning of the new term. Now he is looking at being delayed again in his release because he doesn't have a school to go to. At this point, we are just about ready to home school him with an online program. The school will pay me round trip for the drive to take him to school. that is 200 miles a day. Or I can stay in the nearest city during the day, and only log 100 miles. but they won't pay for an aide in the classroom for our son. Does that make any sense? Earlier this week, we had an IEP meeting for one of our other kids. There was someone at the meeting who we had asked to have excluded from the meeting. She refused to leave. So my wife said, "we aren't having a meeting then." Why did we ask her to leave? Because in the past, that individual has been rude to the point of telling my wife to "shut up" during an IEP meeting.

the new year

It seems like yesterday we were dropping our son off at the group home. In a little more than 10 days, he will be moving home. I am so excited, as is the rest of the family. He has made so many positive strides in the last 6 months that I can't believe sometimes that he is the same kid. Kudos to the staff at the care facility that took him in, took the time to get to know him and through him, got to know our family. The work that they do is fantastic. I would be remiss if I thought that there would be no bumps in the road. But bumps in the road is what leads to a good life. A life well lived. Now, when he comes home, he will be returning to public school. How his life is will depend in a large part on how they treat him, and how he responds to what happens in the district. Of course, our response to events in his life will determine a large portion of his success. We have a new rule in our house. You can't speak bad about the school in our house. Why? negativity feeds on itself. by promoting the bad things, we bring nothing positive to the table about having to spend time each day at the school. If all the kids hear and say is negative, why would they be excited to go there? and shouldn't school be a good place to go? This doesn't mean that we are going to rest on our laurels. We are still going to be vigilant. We are still going to be outspoken about what goes on in our district, but we also will be mindful of how we speak in front of the kids. They know that there are issues in the school system, but they also need to know that school and education is a negative thing. They need to learn through us that there is an appropriate way of dealing with things. It is my hope that this lesson will not fall on deaf ears and blind eyes. School and education are an integral part of the american dream. It is out duty as parents to help the kids be excited about learning. That said, if the school does something that is contrary to the education plan for any of our kids, I will be screaming loud and hard about it. If necessary, my wife and I are both fully capable of home-schooling our children at any point in their scholastic life. We choose not to at this point because the kids need social skills. They need to interact with other people their age. More later,Happy New Year everybody.

a reflection on the year

a moment of reflection. Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my first heart event. I have had three this year. It is not an experience I recommend to anyone. I also had three mini-strokes a week after the March blizzard. The year has been a series of ebbs and flows. I haven't worked for a whole year, we closed my computer business that day. I spend my time taking care of myself, and my kids as much as my health allows. I have had to let go of a lot of things; siding the house, new roof on lower roof and garage, garden, yard work, and a few other things to name a few. You never know how much you do in a day, week or month until you can't do any of them anymore. I have been blessed with an incredible family who have stepped up to handle those things that I can not. In the process I have learned how hard it is to swallow pride. I have learned how easy it is to ask for help when I need it. Through it all, I have been given a couple of new diagnoses, including Fibromyalgia, and Hypothyroidism. I have a script for a walker, that I haven't had to use for a month now thanks to the magic of prednisone. I have two canes that I use as needed, though it seems more often lately. I have developed a fantastic group of online friends who offer me support when I need it. My friends in Fibromyalgia Chat and Reality Autism offer the support I couldn't find locally. I have a special place in my heart for the people who make up Carls group. They have listened to my rants, and shared their own. Heard about our struggles with the school district, and offered advice. In being part of that group, I have learned most of all that you can always move forward, and that sometimes taking two steps back is a step forward. In the coming weeks, I am launching a new site: http://www.whynotfathers.com to offer support for those fathers who suddenly find themselves staying home with their families. You can follow us on Twitter @whynotfathers I am starting to realize one thing that I value. Life is what you make it. Each day can be a good day, no matter how bad the day is. Making the decision to embrace the negative in a positive way will have an impact in your life. Thank you friends, and most of all thank you family, for giving me the past year, and putting up with my need to make sure the couch isn't lonely. :)

Merry Christmas Wishes and a Message.

For each that reads this, our wish is that you have a Merry Christmas. Remember those who have less good fortune than you. Remember our veterans in this time of war, and pray that they make it through the next 24 hours without death. For those families who have a loved one on deployment, please grant them peace of mind this day. Remember the homeless, that they may know warmth and not hunger. Welcome hope, and not despair. For those who are ill, a day of relief, an hour of calm, whatever they need. For the loved ones of the ill, may you find peace knowing that your loved one is cared for this day. In life, we choose how to live. May each of us live to our potential, embrace the challenge, and enjoy each breath. Hug your loved ones everyday, like it is the last time you will see them. Speak of your love for them, that they might remember your voice and your words. We live by action and deed. We lead by example, and word. For those who know only hatred in their heart, please let them feel love and friendship. A father of many.

A Christmas Message - Family Voices of North Dakota.

Greetings everyone as we enter this Christmas season. Isn't life glorious?

I decided to do something a little different this season for my Christmas post. In actuality, I don't recall doing anything last year, so let's call it a new tradition for A Father of Many.

You see, about 2 and a half years ago, I had the opportunity to participate in this seminar called “Parent Leadership Institute”. This seminar brought 23 participants to the small but wonderful town of Edgeley, North Dakota. The organization is called Family Voices of North Dakota. In what has become an annual event, leaders from across the country present leadership topics and training sessions on a wide variety of topics. Topics such as giving testimony to leaders and policy makers, sharing your story, learning what you know, and how to find what you don't know, as well as many other topics. The staff from Family Voices help mold the next generation of parent leaders through example and by showing a selfless sense of service to others. If they aren't a model, or Servant Leadership, then maybe the model needs to be redesigned.

Why is this significant?

Through the Parent Leadership Institute, the organization works to train parent leaders as stewards to help other parents in similar situations with their children. Situations can be a bad word depending on your perspective, but in this instance, it is a good word. Many families across the state of North Dakota are experiencing what can only be called extraordinary health issues, especially in regards to children.

The organization helps families by providing guidance on where to go for help. Who to call for help. Through a largely volunteer organization, staffed by regional part time hard working parents, and one executive director who is something of a spark plug, this organization provides support on an as needed basis. While working with diverse populations, including those who live on the Native American Reservations in our state, they work with federal, state and local agencies to get the families the support they need. And they do it on a shoe string budget.

Couple all of this energy with a volunteer board of directors, and you have an organization that puts the heart in the Family Voices of North Dakota logo. In our state nearly every city is located on a crossroad. It is fitting that the organization would take as their motto, “Navigating Crossroads to Hope”. In part because of the hard work of the staff, volunteers and their director, they provide hope to families from all walks of life.

Please join me in saying Thank You to Donene and the staff at Family Voices of North Dakota. One day, your family may need the hope that they can help you find. Sometimes all it takes to make a difference are comforting voices of friendly people.

If you are of a mind, and would like more information about the good work that this organization does, please do not hesitate to contact me. I would be happy to answer your questions. To be honest, it would be me giving back to the community for all that the Family Voices of North Dakota staff have done for me and my family.

On the same hand, if you have a child with Autism or a TBI that has been recently diagnosed, let me know, I have some experience being a parent of a child with Autism and another child with a TBI. I can offer some advice and guidance on where to get started on your quest for information.

Remember, your child's special health care needs don't have to be just physical or mental, they can be any combination of the two, or one of the two. All that is required of you is a phone call, and a few minutes of your time. Please, take a few minutes and make that call today. They can help you. Even if it is only because someone listened to you and your concerns for your child. Donene and a client did get the opportunity recently to participate in some events at the national level in Washington D.C. You can find more information about these gentle people on their website. http://www.fvnd.org

Now, I also have a motive to writing this entry. Our friends at Swanson Vitamins are giving a thousand dollars to the organization of my choice if I am lucky enough to win. You can find information about this contest on their site. Just click on the badge.

definition of bully and harassment - a letter to the superintendent

Mr NAME REDACTED Thank you for speaking with me.  We need to speak further regarding this matter. =========================== This is the http://www.dictionary.com definition of harassment. ha·rass·ment  [huh-ras-muhnt, har-uhs-muhnt] Show IPA noun the act or an instance of harassing,  or disturbing, pestering, or troubling repeatedly; persecution: She sued her boss for sexual harassment. This is the http://dictionary.com definition of bullying. bul·ly 1  [bool-ee] Show IPA noun, plural -lies, verb, -lied, -ly·ing, adjective, interjection noun 1. a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people. As I said during our brief discussion this afternoon, we have disagreed on verbiage before. this is the ND Century Code. SECTION 1. A new section to chapter 15.1-19 of the North Dakota Century Code is created and enacted as follows: Bullying - Definition. As used in this Act: 1. "Bullying" means: a. Conduct that occurs in a public school, on school district premises, in a district owned or leased schoolbus or school vehicle, or at any public school or school district sanctioned or sponsored activity or event and which: (1) Is so severe, pervasive, or objectively offensive that it substantially interferes with the student's educational opportunities; (2) Places the student in actual and reasonable fear of harm; (3) Places the student in actual and reasonable fear of damage to property of the student; or (4) Substantially disrupts the orderly operation of the public school; or b. Conduct that is received by a student while the student is in a public school, on school district premises, in a district owned or leased schoolbus or school vehicle, or at any public school or school district sanctioned or sponsored activity or event and which: (1) Is so severe, pervasive, or objectively offensive that it substantially interferes with the student's educational opportunities; (2) Places the student in actual and reasonable fear of harm; (3) Places the student in actual and reasonable fear of damage to property of the student; or (4) Substantially disrupts the orderly operation of the public school. 2. "Conduct" includes the use of technology or other electronic media. =================== If my daughters are so upset about the way these young ladies like NAME REDACTED (sp) are treating them, that it causes an interference in their basic right to an education, how does that not fall within the realm of bullying?  This is not a matter that I am taking lightly.  This is not a matter that the school should be taking lightly.  If it is happening to my girls, I guarantee you that it is happening to others.  The fact that you recognize NAME REDACTED attitude, personality and treatment of faculty and students, and don't do anything to remedy the issue tells me that the district don't take the matter seriously. What is the next step?  As I said, we need to have a conversation regarding this topic.  It needs to involve the community, and it needs to start before May. What is the next step?  Will the school address the bullying that my daughters are experiencing or won't it?  Inaction is a response. I need to know that you received this message.   Please respond that you at least received it. If necessary I will do an open records request regarding any email sent from myself to the school district to determine that you did in fact receive this email. Thank you

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affordable care

So, I went to fill a script for my daughter at the druggist.  As a result of the ObamaCare affordable care act thingy, her script isn't covered.  It would be if she was over 18, but then she wouldn't qualify for the program that would cover it, because she was over 18.

That defies logic.

I asked how much it would cost if I paid cash. 570 dollars.
I asked how much if I paid for two pills.  42 dollars.

My family lives in North Dakota.  Because of my health, I am not working.  Before affordable care was enacted, medicaid would have covered the tab.  In what way, shape or form is this affordable?  I am not independently wealth.  just for meds in our house, we are paying nearly 1500 a month.  if we add the script she was given this week, it would be over 2000.  our income is around 36k a year.  in what way is this affordable?  affordable to whom?

fiction or reality

You know, dads think that they are fairly strong. We fix things when we can, and if we don't know how, we get someone else to do the job.

I am going to try to develop a community discussion about bullying in this town.  adults doing it to adults, adults bullying students, and so on...  Life ain't easy.  But if we don't teach our kids to respect themselves, they will never respect other people.  kids mirror the behavior that they learn at home.  If the kids are bullying other kids, what does that tell society about their home life?

Now, I am not saying every home life is that way.  There are kids who follow the leader.  They often times see the bully as a leader and follow their example.  Doesn't make it right.  When the leader can be identified, would they deny being the bully/leader if challenged?  I wonder.  There is a bully in the senior class. That person has followers who mimic behavior and actions.  If the bully was called to task what would happen?

History shows us that when bullies are confronted they find others to blame.  Even a year ago.  Our fair district had students get caught cheating on a final exam.  Students, faced with failing the exam, complained to parents. Parents called the superintendent.  the exam was not counted toward final grades.  Why?

Maybe the teacher decided that the exam was flawed and through it out.
Maybe the teacher decided that the students deserved a break.
Maybe the superintendent brought pressure to bear on the teacher and the teacher through the exam out.
Maybe all of this is just supposition.  a figment of my imagination.

I am a writer. I can put words together and form coherent thoughts.  That scares people.  I am also a researcher.  If I look at a history and something looks wrong with it, I will try to find out what it is.

But then, there are people who will think that this post is fiction.  Can't be happening in our town.  There was a little town that thought it couldn't happen in their community.  There are places in our country with names like Paducah.  Omaha. Cape Fear. Columbine.  I do not wish those horrors on anyone.  all of the horrors that happened in the schools in those communities started or had their start as a result of bullies.

We can choose to believe that this is fiction.  Or we can take the necessary steps to make it stay fiction.  to do that we need to communicate as a community.

saw my daughter

Saw my daughter tonight. she looks and sounds so much better than she did on Wednesday. She asked me if I was disappointed with her. We talked about how I am always telling the kids to talk about and be honest about their feelings. I asked her how I could be disappointed in her doing what I have been telling her to do. I am not disappointed in her.

We talked about what is going to happen when she goes back to school and what she wants to happen. We talked about how people were eventually going to find out where she was, and why. We talked about what I needed to do to help our community develop a policy regarding bullying in the schools. I told her that unless she told me I could help her, that I didn't feel free to talk about it. I explained that it is happening to other kids. I explained that the only way we can begin the process of ending bullying is to talk about what is going on. I said, that means naming her. and talking about how she felt.

Before I left, she said: "you can help me."

I am so proud of her. I could just burst.

she didn't hurt herself. she did, however, have a weapon of choice, and a plan of action. which are two of the three pillars upon which suicides happen. I will say it again, I am forever grateful for the people who helped save her by convincing her to talk about how she was feeling.

Bullying

I am going to rant.

Bullying is an epidemic that needs to be eradicated like small pox.

When a child talks of hurting themselves because of the behaviors of a few, it is a community issue.  Everyone in the community needs to get involved in working toward a solution.

My family is affected by this.  Why?  Because of bullying.  We live in a small town, and are seen as outsiders by those who have lived here for a long time.  Not the parents so much as the kids. These behaviors are learned at home.  We need to work together to affect a change that shows the youth of today that bullying in any form is just not acceptable behavior.

A parent should not fear that their child will kill themselves.  Words can not express how grateful I am that my daughter sought the help she so desperately needed.  We need to bring immediate attention to this, and put in place whatever supports and/or committees are necessary to eliminate this problem.

Bullying occurs on so many levels, adults bullying co-workers, parents bullying kids, and so on.  This behavior is most often learned at home.  Please, speak to your children about how they are treating their peers.

Young people, if you know of someone who is experiencing this issue, you need to speak up.  talk to a teacher, write an anonymous note.  Anything, but please don't let it hide in the shadows.  Nothing good can come of that.

i beg you, please help end bullying now.

Thanksgiving Holiday

I give thanks.

My family was together for the holiday.  Our youngest came home from the residential facility for the weekend.  He was home from Wednesday to Sunday, and I am very proud to say that no major issues occurred.  It was a great weekend.  There were a few times when he wanted something his way, and we were able to handle it without a meltdown.  I think the only "major" issue was when he was caught playing with a screwdriver around an outlet.  He has been known to strip all of the outlet covers from a room.

There was a brief moment where he was sneaking around, but I think that was a test of his boundaries.  All in all it was a good weekend.

On a side note, my health has been kind of strange.  I lost my appetite last Wednesday and it just never really recovered.  It has been declining for a couple of weeks. I eat because I don't want to worry my family.  So tomorrow will put in a call to my doctor and see what she thinks.  But since I am scheduled to see her in two weeks, she may want to run labs now and then wait.

That is all for now faithful readers.  Hope you all had a great weekend.

IEP Meeting

Had an IEP meeting for our son.  Why do we continue to struggle with the school district?  This time, we brought the superintendents name into it.  I had talked to him late last week about the hesitation that we felt from the principal at the elementary school in accepting our son into the school, as well as including staff in meetings about our son.

It just seems crazy to me that what should be common sense when working with a child, they seem to lack.  If a child is in a residential facility for kids with special mental health needs, and the staff there has experience with that child, wouldn't it be beneficial to hear how those people work with the child to ensure that the child is as successful as he can be?  It would seem obvious to me.

So now, we are having a staffing in two weeks for our son, a staffing is a meeting of all of the people who participate in his care, and the school has been invited to participate in that meeting so that they can hear positive things about our son.  Even the staff at the residential facility thinks that would be a good idea.  We will see if they do actually participate.

I find myself excited at the possibilities for our son if his teacher is the person who participated in the meeting today.  She worked with two of our kids previously, and was very good in working with their strengths and weaknesses.

On another note, the plan is to bring our son into a public school in the city for an hour a day to see how he does in that setting.  If he is successful, the time will gradually increase. This will be communicated to his parents and the school district so that they can see how he is fairing.  A staff member from the residential facility will be touring the school that our son will go to after discharge, this will enable the staff to make recommendations about how they should do things when our son comes back.

Still not happy with the school district, seems to be unnecessary posturing on their part, but time will tell.